


Far Away So Close

by Kerkerian



Series: Christmas Stories By Kerkerian [11]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Banter, Bickering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Home for Christmas, Homecoming, Humor, Introspection, M/M, Post-Season/Series 10 Finale, Reunions, Some Fluff, Travel, mcdanno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28318308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerkerian/pseuds/Kerkerian
Summary: Leaving Hawaii was never going to be the solution, only a means to an end: Steve needs to put some distance between him and everything he is holding dear to "clear his head" and realize what he actually wants. Of course he's not going to be gone forever...
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: Christmas Stories By Kerkerian [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073891
Comments: 12
Kudos: 155





	Far Away So Close

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Hawaii Five-0.
> 
> Merry Christmas, everyone! 
> 
> I know I'm super late to the party, but here's my attempt at fixing the ending of season 10, finally!

Even before the plane touches down in Los Angeles, Steve knows that this isn't what he wants. It's painful to admit it to himself, and it was true when he told Lincoln that he once thought Catherine was the one. He still loves her too, in a vague, sentimental maybe-we-could-have-been way, but he doesn't want her anymore.

He's over her and the pain she kept bringing him, his heart has moved on. A silly thing to say, yet true. He tells her so, in L.A. while they're waiting for transit. He thinks it's only fair, even though it's in no way his doing that she's here.

“I appreciate your help,” he says earnestly. “I wouldn't have gotten any closure if we hadn't arrested Daiyu Mei.” He hesitates, looking into his coffee: “But this next step... I'm sorry, Cath. It doesn't include you.”

Catherine regards him with an odd, tender look; it's as if she's expected this. Her eyes are brimming a little, but she nods, taking a shuddering breath: “I understand,” she says softly. “When Lincoln called... I thought I'd give it a shot. But it's not really fair to you, is it?”

Steve shrugs; nothing that happened recently has been fair, and their timing has always been off somehow. “Life's not fair,” he mutters, and Catherine understands that this isn't just a common-place he's using but his current state of being. One of the reasons why he's leaving Oahu, presumably.

“I want you to be happy, though,” she says, surprised by the effort it's taking to get the words out. She's had her chance, and up until now, she didn't realize that she's not going to get another.

Having Steve in the back of her mind always felt like a safe option, but now she can see that she's been stupid. Steve hasn't spent his time waiting for her, on the contrary: he's done his best to move on, even though it must have been hard after the way she hurt him. And now that door's closed, and deep down, she can't even take umbrage at it. It means that after all that Steve's been through, he' still got his sense of self-preservation, contrary to what Danny might claim. It means that Steve will be alright, one way or other.

“I don't know if I can be,” Steve smirks a little, but the attempt at a joke doesn't reach his eyes. “But I'll do my best.”

“'Course you will.” Catherine gets up and takes her bag. “Let me know how it went, okay?”

Steve gets to his feet as well: “Yeah.”

“Take care.” She hugs him tightly, and once they've let go of one another, she walks away without looking back, as is her wont.

Steve takes a deep breath and nods at nothing in particular as he sits down again: suddenly, he feels very alone, but also very free. If he wants to leave all the bad stuff behind him and learn how to deal with his pain, he needs to be able to breathe. There can't be anyone around him who already knows him, who reads stuff into his every move, his every word. He needs to be unburdened by as much of his past as he can, because those bits he can't or doesn't want to shake off are heavy enough to carry as they are.

Such as Danny. Well, and Eddie. Saying goodbye to those two was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, and that's saying something, considering his life.

Nevertheless; now that Catherine's gone, he can look forward to whatever the future will bring.

By the time he's reached Paris, he knows he's made the right decision.

What he didn't expect was how everything keeps reminding him of Danny, whose voice pops up in his mind at odd moments.

He's in the Louvre looking at the Mona Lisa and hears Danny as loud and clear as if he was right next to him: “Huh, it's true that her eyes are following you around.”

He's in London on his way to the Tate Britain when he remembers that they also got off the tube at Pimlico when they went to that pub Danny kept raving about, after they'd been awarded their George Crosses by the Queen.

“Yeah, that was a great night,” Danny says. “Right until Harry discovered they had a Karaoke machine.” Absently, Steve grins, and he's still pondering it even as he's surrounded by Turners.

In the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, he drifts through the galleries until he reaches the Night Watch Room, which is rather crowded. “You'd think there were no other pictures here,” Danny sounds long-suffering, and Steve turns his head to look at him before he realizes that he's not really there.

“This has got to stop,” he mutters. Maybe immersing himself in art isn't the right way to distract himself after all.

He's tempted to call Danny that night, just to hear how he's doing, but he might end up telling him that he's in his head all the time, and he doesn't think he can deal with the implications of hearing it out loud, or Danny's subsequent worrying about his state of mind. So he doesn't.

They've been texting back and forth a few times, but he's deliberately kept his answers short. He needs to get _away_ , not get more involved than he already is. Therefore, he flies to Stockholm next, where he does a bit of sightseeing, avoiding the archipelago because he doesn't want _islands_ right now, as different from Hawaii as they might be, and eventually rents a car in order to go exploring the country on his own.

He's ruled out visiting Scotland, Germany and France because of his ancestry- nothing to remind him where he came from, not at this point.

Scandinavia however seemed a safe choice. And it was a good one, too- Sweden is beautiful and thankfully very unlike Hawaii. He can see himself here in the snow, in the depth of winter, can even imagine Christmas. For now, he drives around a lot, gets a feeling for the geography and the size of the country, does some sightseeing, a lot of hiking, talks to some people, astounded that everyone speaks English really well and relieved by how unique everything is, and finds himself slowly winding down.

As the late summer turns into early autumn, he rents a cabin by a lake; it's rather remote, doesn't even have WiFi, the next village is about 18 km (on a gravel road through the woods) away, and it's perfect. He didn't expect to want to be alone rather than losing himself in a crowd of tourists somewhere and being no one particularly special among them, but apparently, it's what he needs.

The only fly in the ointment is that he's missing Eddie. Well, and Danny, he might as well admit it. The latter's stopped talking in the meantime, but Steve catches himself thinking of him a lot. He climbs onto a large rock in the middle of a forest and enjoys the view, lake and all, and finds that he wants Danny to see this. He wouldn't even mind his griping about not having absurdly long giraffe legs like Steve and therefore not being able to get onto said rock so easily.

And Eddie... he'd love it here. The other day, Steve actually saw a moose, and there are so many lakes to swim in, so many other interesting scents to track.

The first cold nights at the end of September catch him unawares. He's surprised to find the world glazed over by white frost one morning; by day, the sun is still strong. That changes as autumn progresses, and by the time November rolls around, the lake's beginning to freeze and there's the first snow.

Steve ventures out into the woods every day, taking in the white landscape which is just as he imagined it, and feels a kind of peace settle over him that he hasn't known for a long time. He doesn't care that he's been spending a good deal of his savings to be doing this, he's just grateful that he can breathe again, that he doesn't wake up every morning with a dark cloud hanging over him and a suffocating weight on his chest.

But he also realizes that he's going to go home soon. He won't spend Christmas in this winter wonderland, as much as he'd like to, for two simple reasons: one, it'd be too perfect. He doesn't think he can bear that yet, it'll take more time. He was looking to find some peace though, and that's what he achieved.

And secondly: he needs to get back to his dog and his Danno, there are no two ways about it.

It's strange, he muses as he locks the door to the cabin behind him for the last time and picks up his luggage, how he had to get far away to look at these things more closely. But then, life is strange that way. He's not quite ready to accept that yet, but he's getting there. And for some reason, he's now certain that he can't make the last steps of the way on his own.

On Christmas Eve eve, Danny and Eddie are dozing on the couch, not really watching TV.

Danny's been back at work for the past few months, and it's been strange at first without Steve and being in charge, especially since he didn't feel like his old self yet even after his injuries had healed (which also might have something to do with Steve's absence).

Inevitably though, the daily grind soon wore off the novelty, and the team found into a new rhythm. Danny texted Steve sometimes, and not all of those immediately went through; Steve answered rather erratically, but he seemed well enough. And Danny didn't want to impede his healing process, so he tried to be patient. Which was difficult, because patience had never been Danny's forte.

As he was doing better himself though, he began to do more chores around the house and the garden in his free time though, and of course, there was Eddie, so he always had something to occupy himself with. It's nice, living in Steve's house, even now that he and Eddie are alone- Junior moved in with Tani shortly before Thanksgiving.

And now it's December, the holiday season is almost upon them, and the only reason Danny has put up a bit of decoration at all is Charlie. Danny doesn't feel like Christmas, it's even worse than his first year in Hawaii. He misses Steve, and he hasn't heard from him for some time now. He wonders where he is and if he's alright. Whether he's alone, and if not, who he's with.

As if he's read Danny's thoughts, Eddie lifts his head and listens for a moment, then he looks at him with soulful eyes for a moment before he sighs and puts his head back down, between Danny's side and the couch.

“I know, buddy,” Danny mutters tiredly; it was a long and trying week.

Right then, his phone rings. He grabs it from the coffee table and answers it without looking at the display; it'd be just his luck if he had to go back into work tonight: “Williams,” he says, stroking Eddie's head with his free hand.

“It's me,” Steve says, and Danny pauses: “And why do you think I'd even recognize your voice after all this time?” he says a tad belligerently, he just can't help it.

“Well,” Steve sounds amused, the bastard. “If you don't, maybe you'll recognize my face. I really just wanted to give you a heads up.”

And then the front door opens, at least until it's stopped by the security chain, and there he is.

Eddie barks and scrambles to his feet, stepping on various sensitive body parts in the process and causing Danny to yelp. He gets up too, squinting at the figure he can only see through the narrow gap: “Are you really here?”

“Yes,” Steve sounds impatient. “You gonna let me in or do I have to show you my passport?”

The poor dog's totally beside himself by now, so Danny pushes the close close, undoes the chain and yanks the door open again.

Eddie launches himself at Steve, who crouches down, and the ensuing reunion is heartbreaking.

Danny looks Steve over in the meantime: he seems to be doing better, judging by his appearance. He's lost that hollowed-out air of emotional exhaustion and the dark, bruise-like shadows underneath his eyes, and Danny's glad to see it. He can feel something well up in him, relief to have Steve back maybe, and something else.

When Steve finally gets to his feet and steps into the house, Danny doesn't say anything, just opens his arms, and Steve, surprised by the lack of comment but overwhelmed by the soft expression on his partner's face, hugs him tightly.

“I really missed you,” Danny mutters into Steve's shirt.

“I missed you too, Danno,” Steve replies softly. “Sorry for being radio silent-”

“Stop apologizing,” Danny interrupts him. “Wasn't that the idea? For you to get some distance and perspective?”

They pull back just enough to look at one another. “So you _did_ recognize my voice,” Steve says, looking as though he's subduing a laugh.

“Maybe,” Danny grins, waving it off. “Don't mind me though. I'm just glad you're back.” He pauses. “You _are_ back, aren't you? Not gonna vamoose again after Christmas?”

“No,” Steve's expression is serious now. “I did clear my head. Took me a while until I could think straight again, but... “ He peters off.

“You found your answers,” Danny prompts him.

“Yeah. I think so.” Steve regards him, a minuscule smile playing around his mouth. “Made me feel a little stupid though.”

“Huh.” Danny looks straight into Steve's eyes. “Why, exactly? Because I could imagine a few-”

Steve shuts him up by kissing him. And Danny, after a moment of comprehension, just melts against him.

Shaking with relief and elation, Steve pulls him closer again.

“Huh,” Danny repeats once they come up for air. “In that case, I'm glad you went away.”

“Danno.” Steve laughs quietly, winding his arms around him once more and just holds him.

“Just to be clear,” Danny says once Steve's released him and they are sitting at the kitchen counter with a beer each. “You can't just waltz back in here and kiss me without declaring yourself.”

“ _Declaring_ myself? Like I'm Mr. Darcy or something?”

“It's called a sense of decency,” Danny says stubbornly. “So when you say you found answers and are not gonna take off again-”

“I mean it.” Steve puts his beer down and his elbows on the table top, rubbing his face with both hands before looking at Danny: “I love you,” he says in a low and gravelly voice. “I've loved you for a long time. I just didn't realize... how deeply that went. When I thought I'd lost you that last time- it was too much to bear. I didn't know how to proceed. But I've learned a few things about myself now.” A small smile flits over his face. “And one of them is that you can run away from a whole lot of stuff, and you can learn to look at things rationally, but you can't run away from your emotions, or try to reason with them.”

Danny ponders this: “Good,” he eventually says levelly, “because I'll have you know that I'm not just a fling, Steve McGarrett. Either you're in all the way, or not.”

“All the way,” Steve says at once. “If you'd be so inclined.” He grins, though it's a tad sheepish.

“Jerk,” Danny mutters tenderly.

“I happen to love you too,” he then says in a low voice. “Which is why it was damn hard to let you go. And you didn't even know when you'd return.”

He regards Steve: “I need to know that you'll stay, Steve. I don't know how many more goodbyes I'll be able to bear.”

“No more goodbyes,” Steve promises, cupping Danny's cheek with his palm. “Not a single one. I really mean it.”

Nodding, Danny blinks a few times, and Steve strokes the soft skin underneath his eye with his thumb: he's always known that Danny, for all his bluster, has one of the most tender hearts there are.

“Scratch _glad._ I'm really, really happy you're back,” he whispers, and Steve can't but agree.

“So... you'll have me?” he asks softly. “Because there are a lot of things I can live without, but you... you're not one of them.”

“Probably because I'm not a _thing_ ,” Danny says sternly. “And we can stop with the Jane Austen talk now, but yes, I'll have you, you big lump. Since you're staying. You need someone to look out for you, after all.”

Steve exhales somewhat shakily: “You're right.”

“And I've been doing that for years anyway, so I'm a pro.” Danny gives him a crooked grin.

“Yeah... about that... you said if you had a dollar for every time I saved your life, you had about 25 dollars, right?”

“When did I say that?”

“Back in the hospital, after you first woke up.”

“Don't remember it. I just remember you were there, holding my hand.”

Steve smiles: “I did. And you complained when I stopped.”

“Yeah, well, it's nice. So, what about those 25 dollars?”

“Oh, I was just gonna say- if I had a dollar for every time you saved my life, I'd probably have about four.”

“Four dollars?”

“Give or take, yeah.”

“Huh. I distinctly remember having half of my liver carved out of me so you wouldn't pip out prematurely...”

“Oh, you _remember_ that? Did they use a spoon or just a really blunt knife?”

“Can't tell you, I'm afraid. Wouldn't want you to faint...”

Later, Steve and Danny both cuddle up on the couch with Eddie, while Steve tells Danny where he's been and what he's done. About Catherine, and how he kept hearing Danny's voice during his first few weeks away. And Danny tells him about how he's doing and work and the kids (making Steve realize that he didn't only miss his dog and his Danno, but the other people in his life as well) and how Eddie and he are going swimming every morning to keep up traditions.

“ _You_?” Steve asks incredulously. “ _You_ 're going into the water voluntarily?”

Danny nods: “Physiotherapist encouraged it. And I figured Eddie'll rescue if me something goes wrong.”

Eddie wags his tail as he hears his name, and Steve scratches him behind his ears: “So you did a good job, looking after Danno, did you, baby?”

Danny rolls his eyes: “Did you at least bring us a souvenir?”

“Yes, but that'll go underneath the Christmas tree.”

“What tree? I didn't buy one.”

“Aren't Charlie and Grace coming over?”

“Not before the 26th.”

“Still need a tree, Danno. I can only repeat myself: Who _are_ you? First, Hawaii's suddenly great, and now no tree for Christmas?”

Danny sighs: “It just wasn't the same without you, babe.”

“Yeah well, now I'm here and I want a tree.”

“Better get your chainsaw out then, because there are no more trees to be had anywhere on the island.”

“Oh no, we're not doing that again. I'll call Kamekona-”

Even as Steve pulls out his phone, he feels inexplicably pleased. This is home as it should feel, the right place to stay. It's not perfect, but he's got everything he needs right here, and this is a new beginning of sorts. Time to leave other stuff behind, and he now knows he'll be able to do so.

With his free hand, he reaches for Danny's, squeezing it: “Merry Christmas, Danno,” he says softly.

The smile he receives in return illuminates Danny's entire face: “Merry Christmas, Steve.”

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm not a Native Speaker, therefore I apologize for any mistakes!


End file.
